Monday, June 21, 2010

Don't Move! This is a Stick Up!

Okay, okay. So, no one's really  conducted a "stick-up" since, like, the 3rd grade on the playground. You know, thumb in the air, index finger pointed at  your victim and the remaining three fingers curled back into a partial fist. But the point is, when someone with a gun approaches you and demands all your money, you cough up the goods because you believe that gun you're staring down the barrel of is real.

In other words, you take the crook at face value. You make no assumptions You translate nothing. You hear exactly what he's said. You see the gun. And you believe this is, indeed, a stick-up. Then, you act accordingly.

So, why don't we do that in our romantic relationships? 

Allow me to use myself as an example again. (There's no sense in dragging my friends into this.) My last relationship was with a man I cared quite a bit about. I hadn't seen him for several years, but once we connected again all those old feelings came rushing back. To me, he was perfection walking. He was smart, extremely well-spoken, an awesome listener, sexy as hell and had a deep voice that would have James Earl Jones questioning whether this man wasn't a long-lost lovechild. Whoo! ( 'Scuse me while I wipe drool off the keyboard.)

But things had changed for him in the years we hadn't seen each other. And while my heart picked up where it had left off, he couldn't do that. His life was NOT the same. He had left his wife, was in the final stage of divorce (one signature away) and had become a single father to three small children (two daughters and a son) all under 4 years old! And while he was happy to hear from me again, and confessed that he shared a mutual attraction with me, he said something I should've paid more attention to:

"I don't trust women."

Yeah, I heard him. But I didn't really LISTEN to him. I didn't SEE the loaded gun. My inner "denialogue" went a little something like this: "Of course he doesn't trust women. Poor thing -- I don't blame him one bit. I wouldn't trust women either. But I KNOW he trusts ME. I mean, it's me...it's Mish! How could he not trust Mish? It's ME! I'm trustworthy and he trusts me. He MUST be talking about all those other women in the world because I just KNOW he ain't talking about me!"

Child, I was in complete denial about the fact that this man had told me the truth. He didn't lie to me. He told me how he felt and I immediately excluded myself from the group of women he was obviously speaking of. Because after all, I'm the fantastic, fabulous MISH!!! (Give me a moment to deflate my head and my ego.)

What I'm saying here is when someone tells you who they are, believe them!

And while this great guy never behaved as if he didn't want to see me or be with me, it's peculiar that he was warning me to stay away from him from the very beginning. I'm not even sure he recognized that he'd done it. He said it so quickly as we were chatting about what had happened in our respective lives over the years. It was just a part of his rhetoric.

"I got married...blah, blah, blah...we had kids...so on and so on and so on...she cheated...blah, blah, blah...I took her back...yada, yada, yada...she cheated again...etc, etc, etc...I left her and moved to my own apartment....and I don't trust women," he said. Then we rolled right into the next subject. No one skipped a beat.

The lesson here is I can't blame him for how it all ended. He told me who he was very early on -- he was a man who did not trust women. Plain and simple. No translation needed. Roger that!

So, I say to you the next time you meet a new person and you're chatting and having a good time and enjoying all the "newness," listen to what you're being told. If a man jokes about hitting his last girlfriend and breaks out into a "what-had-happened-was" speech, you can choose to re-enact the battles of Ike and Tina or run! If your new lady tells you she has issues with commitment, you can choose to see her through it or decide it's too much work.

Learn to hear what people are telling you, and next time you find yourself in a relationship "stick-up" you'll recognize a gun when you see one.

Content copyright 2010. Relationship Revelations, LLC. All rights reserved.


Friday, June 11, 2010

At Least The Gold Digger Knows What She Wants

Give it up for the gold digger! At least THAT chick knows what she wants and goes after it. I don't care what Kanye says, if the gold digger can get it, she deserves all that bling!

But what about the rest of us? If you let actor Hill Harper tell it, women should be dating a man for his potential and not for his net worth. He encourages this in his book "The Conversation." And I almost fell for the "okey doke" until I had lunch with my close girlfriend Andrea at the Galleria's former Fox Sports Bar  & Grill. At the time, she'd been married for 8 years so the advice she was about to share would carry a lot of merit with me.

Our table was full of empty appetizer plates (we like to sample rather than chow down), and she snags my tall plastic cup of iced tea. And she slides it across the table in a pool of condensation over to her plastic glass of Coke. She says, " See this glass of iced tea right here? It's never gonna be Coke. If you want Coke, then you order Coke. But trying to make this glass of iced tea taste like Coke ain't never gonna happen. It may LOOK like Coke, but it's not Coke. Period."

Aight. Iced tea is iced tea, and Coke is Coke. But hell, I was baffled. Why'd she tell me some crap like that? I knew I'd ordered iced tea. And for the record, I didn't want any damned Coca~Cola.

Then she schooled me.

Since we'd been talking about the trials and tribulations of dating, she shared a story with me to make her point more clearly.

"I used fall in love with a man's potential," Andrea said, then stared me in the eyes wondering if I was EVER gonna catch a damned clue. "That's what I was attracted to -- everything he could be. I was attracted to the plans he was making and where I saw that he could be in the future."

Hell, I couldn't quite figure out what the problem was. So, the man's got big plans. That's attractive. So, I asked her, "What's wrong with that?"

The she dropped the bomb

"Mish, if he never met that potential and absolutely nothing about the man changed from the day I met him, would I still love this man?" she asked rhetorically. "And I had to learn that if he never changed, I'd better be damned happy with who he was at that moment!"

Oh, snap! She was right. And that's what she meant by comparing our drinks. If I didn't want the iced tea and was expecting it to change into Coca~Cola, then I'd never be happy with my iced tea. I should've just gotten the damned Coke. It's like the gold-digger going after a rich guy. If that's what she wants, why are we all mad at her? (Now personally, I believe women who marry for money EARN every penny of it, but that's a future Relationship Revelation!)

What Andrea was trying to tell me was that she learned to be happy and in love with the man as he was -- in that moment in time. If he succeeded in his goals and grew to be an even better man, then fantastic. But if nothing about him changed, she learned to love the man she was with for who he was right then and there.

She's right.

And while I hear Hill Harper for what he's TRYING to say, it really doesn't wash with me. After all, every time a man buys a lottery ticket, he has the potential to be a millionaire. But what if his numbers don't hit? Or I could be dating a business man's son? Sure, he could inherit the whole enchilada and be BALLIN'! But what if dad gives it all to my man's step mom? Whoops! There goes the potential -- out the damned window! And me and junior have to re-enact the Jefferson's to get our "piece of the piiiiiieeeee!!!" (Ahem...'scuse me!)

But seriously folks, we all leave high school and college with HUGE dreams and aspirations. And many of us achieve most of our goals. Likewise, I'm pretty sure an equal number don't achieve all they set out to do. So, what if the man I'm dating falls into that second category? Should I leave him? Should I be like Jay-Z and Swizz Beatz (who left his wife for Alicia Keys!) and be "on to the next one?"


Nah, I think next time I'll just order a Coke!








Content copyright 2010. Relationship Revelations, LLC. All rights reserved.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Think Your Sweetheart's Cheating? Go With Your Gut!

No doubt you've seen an episode or two of Cheaters, the Dallas-based program that follows private investigators looking to expose cheating lovers. And there's no discrimination on this program -- the show goes after Black, Anglo, Hispanic, straight, gay, men and women. They cover the gamut from A to Z and anything in between. They've got office romances, dominatrix sex, men in drag, women-dating-women -- whoo! And, as ashamed as I am to admit it, they've got some of the best brawls on television. Wham-o!

But seriously, the show always starts the same -- with some poor soul in an interview crying because they have a suspicion. They've got that feeling way down in the pit of their stomach -- a sense in their gut that something's really wrong. Can't you just hear James Brown (God rest his cape-wearing soul) screaming in the background "I got the feelin' baby! You treat me bad! You treat me bad!!"

And therein lies the issue. Why not go with your gut? 

Do you REALLY have to hire Joey and his buddies at "Cheaters" to confirm what you already know? Do you REALLY want to see that video surveillance of your man humping some chick under the sheets in YOUR bed? Do you REALLY need to have the image of your woman sitting nude in some naked guy's lap burned into your mind forever? Why in the world do we need our feelings confirmed in such a torturous way? And why do we doubt so strongly what we know and then once we receive confirmation we shout, "I KNEW IT!!!"

So, if you knew it, why go through it?

If you're truly honest with yourself, you'll find the reason you don't want to "go with your gut" might be because you're not ready to let go. You're not ready to be alone again. You're not ready to endure another failed relationship. You don't want to hear from your friends and family who all knew she wasn't right for you and that he was no good.

But the even bigger issue here is when you begin ignoring the very real and physical pain your body suffers when you remain with someone who's cheating on you. When my last relationship took a bad turn, I was in denial about it. I was trying to cling to all the wonderful things he SAID, while I ignored all the crappy things he DID. In the meantime, my blood pressure was up and my mood was down. I had headaches and couldn't eat a thing. I got absolutely no sleep. And I prayed like a mad woman calling up Jesus on the  "main line" like it was part of the Verizon network or something!

Then it clicked. I already had the answer. He wasn't committed to our making our relationship work anymore, and he had other stuff on his mind. He was swimming in his problems and got so far into the water that he couldn't see me at the shore anymore. Our relationship was pretty much over, but I was holding on. And it physically hurt me to do that because it was outside of God's will for me to be with him. It hurt me to operate outside of God's plan for me. 

I'm not talking about that uneasiness you feel sometimes when you have a fight or misunderstanding. A quick "I'm sorry honey" and a kiss can patch those moments right up. I'm talking about downright hurtful pain! And for me, all those symptoms I described above disappeared once I let go of this man and the insane hope that this relationship was going to happen. I had to stop clinging to someone who wanted to be released.

It's like trying to hold a live bird in your hands for too long. They'll be still for a moment, but eventually that bird will scratch your hands and peck you silly trying to escape your grip. Holding onto that bird caused physical pain. Or how about trying to hold onto a car you can't afford? Your bad nerves have you looking like a fool parking down the block and around the corner to avoid repossession. Not to mention, all those phone calls from creditors have you losing sleep and stressing out. You weren't meant to have the car, but holding onto it causes pain. And, dare I say it? Staying with an abusive man or woman is completely outside of God's will for you, absolutely causing you physical PAIN.

But you know what the old folks say: "Baby, let go and let God." So I did. And He did, too.

In the meantime, I think I'm going to catch another episode of "Cheaters" just to remind myself to trust my gut!

Content copyright 2010. Relationship Revelations, LLC. All rights reserved.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Relationships at the Office -- Keep 'Em Inside the Box!!!

It's an UGLY fact of life. If you have a job, then you spend more time with your co-workers than with the people you love -- the kids, your spouse, your parents, siblings and friends. And because we spend up to 10 hours with the idiot in the next cubicle but only 5 waking hours at home with our family (2 in the morning and 3 in the evening), it's easy to see how we could be fooled into thinking we have "relationships" with the folks at work.


But we don't. In fact, your co-workers don't owe you a thing but their part of the project due at 3:30. 


A few months ago, a woman from accounting at my old job called me up one evening. What's weird is she and I have NEVER talked on the phone outside of the office. But I answered the phone anyway. Damn.


We went through the usual chow-chow of how wonderful my new job was, the latest gossip at  the old office and the uncomfortable inquiry of whether my new employer had any openings.


And then WHAM-O!!! She starts crying. Crap.


I mean this woman is boo-hooing into the phone like her great aunt Petunia THE MILLIONAIRE just died and didn't leave her a nickel in the will! As much I wanted to use my other cell phone to dial myself and pretend my man was calling on the other line, something compelled me to listen anyway.


She immediately starts telling me how under-appreciated she feels because no one acknowledges her extra efforts. She stays late and comes in early. She joins employee-based committees and finds more efficient ways to do her job. 


Do you hear me? This grown woman is on my phone interrupting Celebrity Apprentice snotting and sniffling in my ear because no one at work acknowledges her commitment. She feels the ladies in her department don't have her back. Oh yeah, the department head brushes her off. The CEO doesn't listen to her. And no one wants to go to lunch with her anymore. But what really upset her was how everyone seemed to be looking out for their own best interests despite the fact that "we have lunch together everyday." 


This is not the Godfather where breaking bread with someone means something. It's LUNCH! 


I asked my 50-something-year-old former colleague how much of what she'd been complaining about was in the "job description." That one went completely over her head. So, I put it to her like this: 


"The only thing the job owes you is a paycheck. The only thing you owe your employer is what's in the job description. Expecting anything more from THIS workplace relationship is a set-up for disappointment." 


And just like that...I'd lost her. I mean, I had to go get my girl off the ledge and feed her this elephant one bite at a time! 


Bite-for-bite, it's like this: 
Bite #1: The people you work with are NOT your friends. Sure, you all manage to get along for 8-10 hours a day. But that doesn't mean you're friends. After all, do you participate in each other's Thanksgiving dinners? Or, do you go to each other's bridal showers? Do you vacation together? Or, maybe you all attend each other's baptisms, Christenings and bar mitzvahs. Sure, there's the occasional happy hour. And maybe the kids get together for a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. Hell, you may even hang out at the office Christmas party. But this doesn't equate to friendship. (If you've been at your job 10 years or longer, you may be exempt from this line of thinking.)


Not sold? Try this...


Bite #2: If your co-worker got laid off today, would you offer up a portion of your check to help them pay this month's mortgage, get some groceries and keep the lights on? Would you take up a collection in the office?  Hell no! You're butt would be at the water cooler professing your thanks to God that you still have YOUR job in front of anyone pumping that Ozarka!


(Another chunk of elephant coming right up!)


Bite #3: Understand that for most of us our job descriptions fit inside a tidy little box. It's concise. It sets boundaries and it is what it is. If it's going to change, most times it'll come in writing. And when you choose to step outside of that box, you should not expect to be thanked, appreciated, revered, honored, admired, respected, venerated, worshiped, adored or idolized because of it. It's a gamble you take to try and move ahead, get up the ladder. 


When going above and beyond doesn't work out, you get your butt back in the box and do your job. Then you get paid. And you call it even. You keep your unrealistic expectations in check. Then you thank the Lord above that YOU have a job in this recessive economy where a single oil spill has wrecked the entire southern coast's fishing industry INDEFINITELY.


It's like being a kid at Christmas. When you were around 5 and 6 years old, you got everything you wanted and were HAPPY! You got the Atari 2600 with the PONG and Q-Bert game cartridges. Then somewhere around 9 years old, your grandfather decides you need a globe to help you in geography class. WTF??? And grandma gets you a big ass pack of tube socks "cuz you growin' baby." Man, somewhere around 11 years old, you learned to keep your expectations in check. That way, if you got a pocket protector at 13 you wouldn't get your feelings hurt. 


Office relationships should be approached the same way. Keep your expectations of your co-workers in check. Understand these relationships are more of a "cooperative spirit" to get the job done. But they aren't true friendships. 


The people who truly have your back are your family and friends...and they're not goofing off in the cubicle next to you.


Content copyright 2010. Relationship Revelations, LLC. All rights reserved.

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