So, you do what any good woman would do. You ask what's wrong. You try to be encouraging. You might even put in the effort to be extra pleasant until whatever this "thing" is passes. And while you're not quite sure what the hell is going on, one thing's for sure. He's not talking to YOU!!!
It's aggravating isn't it?
Mentally, you're going down a checklist trying to figure out if he's ticked off because Pookie 'nem haven't paid back the money he let them borrow eight loooonnng months ago. You don't know if he's got troubles at work with the new boss he can't seem to make any headway with. Was it the kids getting in-school suspended for the third time this semester? Hell, maybe that last bill collector just got up under your man's skin.
Whatever it is, you're in the dark and it's adding to the tension between you. He's clammed up and he's not opening up. But I've learned that when men do this, us women need to SHUT UP!
Ladies, here me out. It took me years to get to this revelation and it's going to take a few moments to explain.
Men like to think a thing through while women prefer to talk a thing through. Sure, there's exceptions to any rule and life is not a one-size-fits-all gig. But in general, this is very true.
I've seen it time and time again. Men "foxhole," as my fraternity brother once described his behavior a few years ago. He was going through some issues after having gotten his first child's mother pregnant again...14 years later! He'd all but disappeared on me. He wasn't returning phone calls. He wasn't really answering text messages. His issue was that he wasn't married to the mother, but was still out dating and having fun. Then, BOOM! The stork shows up with another bundle of joy.
When I finally do get his butt on the phone, he said it's his tendency to go into his foxhole and sort stuff out. He gave me the usual rhetoric, "It's not about you, soror. Sorry I was ghost on you." At first he attributed his foxholing nature to his zodiac sign -- Cancer, the crab. You know, going back into his shell at the first sign of trouble.
But for me, he was onto something. So, I paid attention and started to notice the same trend.
I recalled a former boyfriend with whom I'd spent New Year's Eve at his mom's house with his family and friends. He wanted to surprise everyone there with a midnight poetry reading. Honey, I just wanted to get out of there and be alone with my man! But the clock kept on ticking and we were still hanging out with the fam. Eventually, we left sometime after midnight. And when we got home, he went straight to the cold-ass garage at 1 o'clocking in the morning. What?!? I asked repeatedly why he was in the garage, but he just didn't wanna talk. So, I went to bed. No man. No good lovin'. Oh, well.
The next morning he told me that I'd thwarted his poetic plans with my repeated requests to go home. But he didn't want to tell me that night because he knew it would start a fight, and that was the last thing he wanted. He was thinking through the issue. He realized it wasn't my fault for wanting alone time with my man because he hadn't shared his plans with me. And I appreciated the thought he'd put into the resolution of our problem. What I didn't appreciate, at the time, was his military silence.
I appreciate it now.
What really sealed the deal on this idea was a sermon delivered by Bishop T.D. Jakes. He wasn't specifically referencing any scriptures. He was just noting that half the men and women that come to him for counseling wouldn't need to be there if they just understood that there are inherent differences between men and women.
Eventually, I thought I'd check this theory with my momma. She said, "That's exactly what men do. Why do you think your dad was always out there on the patio?" I recalled my dad lounging in his lawn chair after work. He'd be in his favorite shorts and flip flops, smoking a cigar and listening to some static-filled AM station's political talk-show. Heck, I thought he was out there for better reception! I never would have guessed he was out there...thinking!
Needless to say, my mom giggled at me when I didn't realize that. She corroborated Jakes' sentiments. And she added that sometimes, we don't always need to be up in a man's face trying to have a girlfriend moment.
For the most part, men don't immediately run to gather input from the guys on how they're going to handle a situation. They come up with a solution, put it into place and let the cards fall where they may. And if they think they need help, they'll ask.
All us ladies need to do is recognize when a man needs a moment, and learn when we need to just...well...shut up.
Content copyright 2011. Relationship Revelations, LLC. All rights reserved.
