Tuesday, September 24, 2013

DATING RULES FOR THE DIVORCED

So, you're divorced and you thought you were ready to date. Then you got out there and it didn't go so well. In fact, you ran back home vowing never to date again because people are too weird or crazy! Things in the dating world may be quite different from the world you once left behind. And things have definitely changed. Take some of the pressure to have a perfect date off your shoulders and try some of these tips to see if you can improve your batting average. 


1) DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR DIVORCE. Even if you're asked about it, answer the question quickly and be done with it. Sometimes, people ask the obvious questions to keep the conversation going. And that would be okay, but some divorcees don't know how to turn it off once they get going about the dirty details of their divorce. This rule applies when dating a never-been-married person or another divorcee. Besides, the more you focus on it, the more it becomes the focus and you risk losing sight of the point...to meet someone new. 

2) ACCEPT REJECTION AS A PART OF DATING. Be careful not to relive your divorce just because you were rejected. It's not that deep. Understand that not every date will lead you back down that aisle to holy matrimony and wedded bliss. And you shouldn't expect it to. This is a time to learn to be social and to mingle and strike up new conversations. This is a time to reestablish who you are outside of your former marital union. So, don't get down in the dumps when it doesn't pan out with someone you liked. 

3) LEARN A LESSON WITH EVERY DATE. When a date doesn't work out, at least be open enough to examine your own dating patterns to investigate what worked and what didn't. Don't be quick to persecute your date as an idiot or a bitch. Look at it, discuss it with trustworthy people and determine what you could have done differently along with what your date may have said or done that you'd prefer not to encounter again. This will aid you in future dates. The goal is to not repeat bad dating behavior. Identify it and eliminate it and move on to the next date with a goal of success.

4) BE HONEST AND BE YOURSELF. Successful dating is about being honest with yourself and with the person you're dating. Do not tell a man you like to cook when what you really mean is you burn through microwave ovens like lightbulbs because you nuke your meals every day. Do not tell a woman you enjoy helping with the housework when what you really mean is you pile your sweaty, dirty laundry on the floor for her "convenience." Ladies, don't be as meek Kerry Washington when you're a brazen as Nene Leakes. Fellas, don't brag about your gym schedule when you know good and doggone well you're going to stop going to the gym once that free membership wears out!

5) APPROACH SEXUAL ACTIVITY WITH CAUTION. For my long-time-married divorcees, you may have a romanticized view of what it means to engage in sex. In fact, many of you who write to me for advice tend to call it "love-making." Somewhere in your hearts and minds, if you engage in sex with someone it means something special. This goes for both men and women. But be aware of what's going on in the dating pool...now arguably a dating ocean. Sex is in many cases an activity meaning nothing more than dancing the lambada -- the forbidden dance. So, approach with caution and carefully discern your date's sexual intent. Is it to get the goodies or is it to truly get closer?

6) RELAX YOUR COMMUNICATIONS STANDARDS. This advice may seem a little harsh because I'm sure somewhere someone's mumbling back at the computer screen saying, "If you want to be with me, you'll call me. No excuses!" And that may be true. But let me drop this little bomb on you -- your date is not your spouse. So, the requirement to communicate consistently and regularly is not yet established. Hence, you need to relax when you don't hear from your new friend every single day. Besides, you're supposed to be enjoying the single life and learning who you are independent of someone else.

7) DO NOT WEAR YOUR WEDDING RING. This just isn't cute. It sends the wrong signal to your date. Among other things, it says that you haven't let go and that you're still holding onto your past. If you get caught wearing it because you forgot to remove it, just politely apologize for having it on and put it in your pocket or purse. Don't try to joke around the issue with quips like, "I only wear it because I just like the way it looks." In fact, don't even wear it on another finger trying to pass it off as "bling." Instead, pawn it. Give it to your child. Put in the jewelry box. But if you wear your ring on your dates, you may as well have brought your former spouse as a third wheel!

8) AVOID LONG, AWKWARD SILENCES. The best way to do this is to have a short list of conversation starters already in mind. Keep the topics current or relevant or at least interesting, but never controversial. For example, you can talk about the Houston Texans most recent football game. This might help you gauge whether a man is interested in sports. But don't bring up abortion legislation. While it's an important topic, its better left off the table. If you don't know what to talk about, you can always visit my wall for fun relationship based conversation starters...we cover weird and fun topics all the time! 

9) LEAVE THE KIDDOS AT HOME. This is both literal and figurative for those still caring for school-aged children. This means that if the baby-sitter didn't come through, the children cannot join you for the movie. Likewise, it also means not discussing the kids constantly as a safety net conversation. It makes you appear as if you have developed no interests outside of your children. Even if that's true, your date doesn't need to know that yet!

10) DON'T COMPARE YOUR DATE TO YOUR EX. Does this really require more discussion? Okay, it probably does. Let's look at an example. Consider your ex-spouse a station wagon -- the kind Chevy Chase drove in National Lampoon's Vacation on the way to Wally World. Now imagine your ideal vehicle. Perhaps it's a Nissan Armada. On your journey to owning that new Nissan, why would you keep comparing it to the station wagon? Judge the Nissan for what it is, don't compare it to something else...especially something you don't want anymore anyway. And that's how you should view your date -- based on their own merits not because they do or don't do something like your ex.

11) PAY ATTENTION TO RED FLAGS THIS TIME. When you look back at your marriage and subsequent divorce, no doubt you'll see some red flags along the way that you chose to ignore during your union. These same red flags may even have contributed to the eventual demise of your marriage. This time around, if you notice qualities and traits that you didn't enjoy about your former spouse then don't accept them in the new person. I'm not giving you license to seek perfection -- if you do that you'll always be single. Just take note of things like always being interrupted when you're speaking or rigourously challenging your views or even constant one-upmanship.

-- 'Mish RelationshipRevelations Gal' on Facebook
-- @RevelationGal on Twitter
Content copyright 2013. Relationship Revelations, LLC. All rights reserved  

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Farting On A First Date

I blog about relationships all the time...and a lot of times it's on behalf of a reader and not necessarily just my gripe. In this case, I was looking at a picture on the Facebook page of a "dating match company" that sent me a friend request. At the top of the page is a picture of a guy and a girl at a dinner table drinking wine. Mind you, there's not a scrap of food or flatware on the damned table, but they're smiling at each other and have full glasses of white wine glowing in the moonlight. 
All I could think was: "WOW, that kind of perfection for a first date looks like a lot of pressure. Too bad they just can't be themselves." So, I wrote tonight's little ditty.

Ya know what I hate about first dates (and even 2nd and 3rd ones)? It's all the pretense. It's all of the airs people put on. I mean, folks are on their BEST behavior knowing good and doggone well it's not something they can sustain over a lifetime.
 
I mean, eventually all that niceness and consideration come to an end and people WILL get back to being who they truly are. That doesn't mean people are all naturally rude and inconsiderate. But how often do people say "please" and "thank you" and "oh let me get that for you" and "no problem I can watch the game later" on a DAILY DAMNED BASIS to the same person??? (Don't worry. I'll wait.)
My point is this. Being friends first works best. See, your friend is the one you can be your authentic self with. I guess all I'm saying is when you go on a date...ease up on all the pomp and circumstance. Relax a little bit on doing things you're eventually going to stop doing anyway. I mean, isn't that the gripe a lot of us in relationships have -- that their significant other doesn't do the things they used to?
I'm not saying not to be the best genuine person you can be or to just start burping and farting at the dinner table. (In fact, don't EVER start doing that, guys!) I don't mean that men shouldn't open doors and pull out chairs. I'm a lady and I'll always expect my door to be opened. And I'm not saying a woman shouldn't take the time to run a tired man's shoulders. I'm simply saying that being a good human being -- FLAWS AND ALL -- should be enough.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Look At Me When I'm Talking To You!

It's got to be one of the most annoying things men do.

Ladies, have you ever been talking to a man while out on a date with him, but instead of him looking directly at you his eyes are darting around the room like he's expecting a stampede of water buffalo at any moment?

I have and it used to drive me insane!

And to make it worse, when you try to glance over you're shoulder to see if a masked gunman is behind you about to burst through the restaurant's glass double doors, he insists, "I'm listening."

I'm telling you, that kind of behavior used to drive me batty! Thinking back to a date I was on some 13 years ago with a guy named Eric, I remember I'd get the occasional direct eye contact from him and he'd engage me for a few moments. We'd have a nice verbal volley going on -- I'd say something and he'd answer back, and so on. But as sure as the sun will rise, he'd begin glancing around the room again looking at who-knows-what. Our waiter with the food? Another woman?? The bathroom??? In my mind, I was screaming, "Am I that boring?!?"

Then I just straight up asked my date, "Am I boring you?" He replied, "No. I've heard everything you've said."

And sure enough, he did! With the greatest of ease, he rattled off a summary of our entire discourse in the space of about 3 minutes. Turn-for-turn, subject-for-subject he recalled everything we had prattled on about. That's one sure way to shut me up -- prove me wrong!

After I picked my face up off the floor, he explained to me that as the proverbial hunters, men have a tendency to always be surveying their territory and scanning the landscape. Take the "hunter" out of the historical cave and put him in a modern-day restaurant and that means he's watching the exits, observing the other diners and paying attention to what's happening in the room. And he's doing all this while listening to me. In fact, for many men, looking at a woman they find attractive can be quite distracting.

Ladies, don't take it personally if a man isn't looking directly at you while holding a conversation with you. If you follow his gaze and you can clearly see he's not following a pair of double-d's across the room, then you're good!

Today, I admire a man who can hold a conversation with me and actually look at me, but it's certainly not a requirement. Besides, I'd rather he be able to tell me if those water buffalo are about the storm the room!

Thursday, January 3, 2013

It's Finally Here...RELATIONSHIP REVELATIONS...The Book!!!

I realize I was quiet towards the end of 2012 and here's the reason why...I was finishing Relationship Revelations, the e-book! 

It's now available online at Amazon.com in Kindle format. You can read it on any Kindle reader, your iPad, iPhone and even on an Android phone. Just download the free Kindle app for your Android phone and you can be reading "Relationship Revelations" within minutes!

Click this link to get the book for only $9.99. You can even read a FREE preview, but I promise you'll love it! 

I wish you all a Happy New Year and extend my best wishes for a prosperous and wonder 2013. There are more revelations to come and more exciting things in store. So, keep checking in right here for the latest news from Relationship Revelations!

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