So, you're divorced and you thought you were ready to date. Then you got out there and it didn't go so well. In fact, you ran back home vowing never to date again because people are too weird or crazy! Things in the dating world may be quite different from the world you once left behind. And things have definitely changed. Take some of the pressure to have a perfect date off your shoulders and try some of these tips to see if you can improve your batting average.
2) ACCEPT REJECTION AS A PART OF DATING. Be careful not to relive your divorce just because you were rejected. It's not that deep. Understand that not every date will lead you back down that aisle to holy matrimony and wedded bliss. And you shouldn't expect it to. This is a time to learn to be social and to mingle and strike up new conversations. This is a time to reestablish who you are outside of your former marital union. So, don't get down in the dumps when it doesn't pan out with someone you liked.
3) LEARN A LESSON WITH EVERY DATE. When a date doesn't work out, at least be open enough to examine your own dating patterns to investigate what worked and what didn't. Don't be quick to persecute your date as an idiot or a bitch. Look at it, discuss it with trustworthy people and determine what you could have done differently along with what your date may have said or done that you'd prefer not to encounter again. This will aid you in future dates. The goal is to not repeat bad dating behavior. Identify it and eliminate it and move on to the next date with a goal of success.
4) BE HONEST AND BE YOURSELF. Successful dating is about being honest with yourself and with the person you're dating. Do not tell a man you like to cook when what you really mean is you burn through microwave ovens like lightbulbs because you nuke your meals every day. Do not tell a woman you enjoy helping with the housework when what you really mean is you pile your sweaty, dirty laundry on the floor for her "convenience." Ladies, don't be as meek Kerry Washington when you're a brazen as Nene Leakes. Fellas, don't brag about your gym schedule when you know good and doggone well you're going to stop going to the gym once that free membership wears out!
5) APPROACH SEXUAL ACTIVITY WITH CAUTION. For my long-time-married divorcees, you may have a romanticized view of what it means to engage in sex. In fact, many of you who write to me for advice tend to call it "love-making." Somewhere in your hearts and minds, if you engage in sex with someone it means something special. This goes for both men and women. But be aware of what's going on in the dating pool...now arguably a dating ocean. Sex is in many cases an activity meaning nothing more than dancing the lambada -- the forbidden dance. So, approach with caution and carefully discern your date's sexual intent. Is it to get the goodies or is it to truly get closer?
6) RELAX YOUR COMMUNICATIONS STANDARDS. This advice may seem a little harsh because I'm sure somewhere someone's mumbling back at the computer screen saying, "If you want to be with me, you'll call me. No excuses!" And that may be true. But let me drop this little bomb on you -- your date is not your spouse. So, the requirement to communicate consistently and regularly is not yet established. Hence, you need to relax when you don't hear from your new friend every single day. Besides, you're supposed to be enjoying the single life and learning who you are independent of someone else.
7) DO NOT WEAR YOUR WEDDING RING. This just isn't cute. It sends the wrong signal to your date. Among other things, it says that you haven't let go and that you're still holding onto your past. If you get caught wearing it because you forgot to remove it, just politely apologize for having it on and put it in your pocket or purse. Don't try to joke around the issue with quips like, "I only wear it because I just like the way it looks." In fact, don't even wear it on another finger trying to pass it off as "bling." Instead, pawn it. Give it to your child. Put in the jewelry box. But if you wear your ring on your dates, you may as well have brought your former spouse as a third wheel!
8) AVOID LONG, AWKWARD SILENCES. The best way to do this is to have a short list of conversation starters already in mind. Keep the topics current or relevant or at least interesting, but never controversial. For example, you can talk about the Houston Texans most recent football game. This might help you gauge whether a man is interested in sports. But don't bring up abortion legislation. While it's an important topic, its better left off the table. If you don't know what to talk about, you can always visit my wall for fun relationship based conversation starters...we cover weird and fun topics all the time!
9) LEAVE THE KIDDOS AT HOME. This is both literal and figurative for those still caring for school-aged children. This means that if the baby-sitter didn't come through, the children cannot join you for the movie. Likewise, it also means not discussing the kids constantly as a safety net conversation. It makes you appear as if you have developed no interests outside of your children. Even if that's true, your date doesn't need to know that yet!
10) DON'T COMPARE YOUR DATE TO YOUR EX. Does this really require more discussion? Okay, it probably does. Let's look at an example. Consider your ex-spouse a station wagon -- the kind Chevy Chase drove in National Lampoon's Vacation on the way to Wally World. Now imagine your ideal vehicle. Perhaps it's a Nissan Armada. On your journey to owning that new Nissan, why would you keep comparing it to the station wagon? Judge the Nissan for what it is, don't compare it to something else...especially something you don't want anymore anyway. And that's how you should view your date -- based on their own merits not because they do or don't do something like your ex.
11) PAY ATTENTION TO RED FLAGS THIS TIME. When you look back at your marriage and subsequent divorce, no doubt you'll see some red flags along the way that you chose to ignore during your union. These same red flags may even have contributed to the eventual demise of your marriage. This time around, if you notice qualities and traits that you didn't enjoy about your former spouse then don't accept them in the new person. I'm not giving you license to seek perfection -- if you do that you'll always be single. Just take note of things like always being interrupted when you're speaking or rigourously challenging your views or even constant one-upmanship.
-- 'Mish RelationshipRevelations Gal' on Facebook
-- @RevelationGal on Twitter
Content copyright 2013. Relationship Revelations, LLC. All rights reserved
