Yeah, I know that's harsh but that's what we were talking about. To be honest, we were talking about one bitter bitch in particular. And then we kind of veered off into a general discussion about why Generation X's is so full of single Black women!
We weren't talking about your average single-and-never-been-married women. We were talking about all kinds of single women -- divorced women, engaged-and-broke-it-off women, proposed-to-but-never-accepted-the-proposal women, blah, blah, blah.
To narrow down that field of women a little bit more, we were talking about bitter Black women. And don't start tripping if you're Anglo, Latina, Asian or Native American and feel excluded. This blog post isn't about you or your experiences. I'm a Black woman and I'm writing about Black women and why I feel many of us are single.
Now, as my man sees it, these women are the products of bitter mothers who somehow passed their nasty attitudes towards men down the genetic line. In other words, momma was a man-hater and she raised her daughter to be a man-hater, too.
According to my baby, these women were either left to raise a baby with no help from baby-daddy. Or poppa was a rolling stone -- a lady-loving galavanting gigolo -- and cheated on momma regularly. The bottom line was that mom didn't trust men and raised her daughter to not trust them either.
And the rhetoric is familiar:
-- Girl, you don't need no man!
-- You can do whatever you want without a man's help!
-- Don't depend on a man to get what you want!
-- Learn to take care of yourself!
-- You keep your money to yourself!
As I listened to my guy, my thoughts drifted back to my own situation. I'm 40; I've never been married and I have no children. Yet, my mother was happily married until my father passed away. So, how is it that I ended up in the same sinking boat with my counterparts who have man-hating mommas???
Well, in a strange sort of way, my mother told me the same things the bitter moms were saying, just in a different way:
-- Focus on your education.
-- Have a successful career.
-- Make your own money.
-- Don't depend on anyone for your success/happiness.
-- Take advantage of opportunities and make your own way.
Oddly, the message from my mother and the messages of those other moms are remarkably similar in nature. Both sets of messages are underscored by a push to be independent, self-sufficient, educated and prosperous.
Then I had a real life revelation about why mothers like mine focused on education and career and spent very little time teaching me about how to get and keep a man. My parents -- some of your parents, too -- lived during a time when segregation was coming to an end and opportunities were just beginning to open up for Black people. So, instead of preaching tradition and focusing on sharpening my domestic skills like cooking, cleaning, child-rearing and managing a household, my momma told me to go out there and get it!
Our grandparents found the door of opportunity. Our parents managed to turn the door knob. But Generation X was poised to kick that damn door all the way open and snatch every opportunity that lay on the other side.
And my momma was right! We have a Black president! And in a funky lil' twist of fate, so were the man-hating mommas. Lol!
It's taken me a long time to figure this dating thing out and I don't blame my momma one single solitary bit for molding me into the self-sufficient and resilient woman that I am today. I like who I am and what I can do for myself. I like being able to handle my own life and make good decisions.
But today I know that while I'm self-sufficient, I've got to learn to let a man help me sometimes. You know, let a brotha open a door and check out my car when the "CHECK ENGINE" light comes on. And while I know how to twist my neck and start and finish ANY argument, I realize that in a relationship it's healthier to embrace our differences and simply agree to disagree. To all my Gen X ladies if you want someone in your life, then you've got to open your life up to someone. You can be as independent as progressive mommas like mine wanted you to be and you can be as I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T as your man-hating momma raised you to be. Or you can stop viewing men as the obstacle/enemy, open up your mind and your life and move forward...into a great future with a great relationship.
That door of opportunity is still W-I-D-E open!
Content copyright 2012. Relationship Revelations, LLC. All rights reserved.
great great article
ReplyDelete-- you white friend for many years :) LOLOL hehhee
Hello my white buddy! Ha ha ha!!! I'm glad you liked it girl!
ReplyDeleteWhy is it that woman who are independent and strong are classified as bitter bitches? What is your opinion on black men who are bitter? (i.e. men going through bitter divorces)
ReplyDelete@ Michica, I see I've missed many Revelations. Now that I look back, my mother always said to "go get your success." I can't recall her ever saying "go find a good woman." WOW! That's an interesting point and I agree. I'm surfing your blog. Another great read!
ReplyDelete@Anonymous Feb 9th. Why is it that black men who are independent, strong and only need a woman for companionship are classified as bitter?
I find humor in your statement because the only difference in your questions is the gender. You are implying it is ok for a woman to be bitter but not a man? Why not phrase the question the same way for both. I'm sure the question above made your blood boil just a little.
Do you believe in what women's liberation was fought and is being fought for? This means you have a double standard and that man shouldn't be bitter but its ok for the woman to be. If you want equality speak for equality, not putting women before and being greater than men.
THAT is the mentality of the bitter women discussed in the article. If a woman is bitter we either deal with it or move along. Why should it be any different if the genders are reversed? If you can't deal with it, move along. Equality!
@ SingleFTDad: Well in my experience, the man that is going through a rather bitter divorce that I talk to exhibits woman hating tendencies. We can't hold a conversation without him mentioning his soon to be ex-wife.
ReplyDeleteI like the way you put needing a woman for companionship. Let's call a spade a spade. He uses them for sex.
Now his wife (soon to be ex) has done some shady things and he does have every right to be bitter, however his treatment of women at least in my eyes is not one of much respect.
You are observant in that I did purposely pose the question to the author as her first statement in the article caught my attention.
I actually didn't imply that it was ok for either gender to take bitterness and baggage into their next relationship although it happens. Who wants to go through the same "ish" just a different day?
I think you may have misinterpreted my comment. I asked, Why is it that the author classified strong, independent women as bitter bitches?
And what would she (the author) refer to the hurt, bitter divorced man as? Would he be a "bitter bitch" too? Hmmmmmm...food for thought.
I believe in women's liberation, equality and all that however in my book a man has to be a strong man and leader for me to follow. I have no problems allowing my man to lead, he just has to do it.
Perfect couple is Barack and Michelle Obama. Strong leader and strong wife. She supports him and he supports her.
In my life, those men come few and far between; however I do honestly feel there are still "a few good men" out there who are single.
SFTDAD: You sound like someone I know.
FYI, you have no clue what the Obama's go thru in their marriage. We only see them with a public view. Did you know Michelle has always been and still is the bread winner?
DeleteAnonymous Feb 16: The difference is, a bitter man can move on into a great relationship, while a bitter woman is very successful in keeping herself from being in one.
ReplyDeleteMen look for what they can deal with in a woman. Women look for what they can change in a man. If women would take the man's approach, they wouldn't run them off so much.
Men are simple beings. Women make us complicated.
@Anonymous: Of course I don't see what goes on behind closed doors. I do see that our first lady gets the man is head of household and she is beside him to hold him up and that is evident to me through their interviews. The issue is not whether our First lady was/is the breadwinner. The blog is about "bitter bitches" and knowing how to be independent but essentially let a man be a man. Michelle Obama has done that.
ReplyDeleteI think if more men actually tried to listen to us there wouldn't be a tug of war and power struggles, sleepless nights, infidelity, heartbreak and I could continue the list but I imagine our differing views on the subject will continue.
ReplyDelete@SingleFTDad: I don't think all women are out to change men. Simply put, man nor woman is perfect and change comes from within.
Are you not willing to change for the betterment of the relationship or do you walk away?
I'm "White" and come from generations of man-hating women that have "run them off" too. I could write a book. Years ago, I used to think this was a "black problem" but it runs along all hues of the rainbow.
ReplyDeleteGet those kids by any mean necessary (even marry an obvious gay one because nobody would put up with your domineering, boisterous hiney)....then run them out.
Wow! What a comment, Anonymous! But thank you for posting it and identifying yourself as White. Things are always eye-opening on this blog. Have a fantastic weekend!
DeleteThe fact that you have to learn how to "open the door" and let a man help is a pretty sad reality. And thus this is why men ain't getting hitched, it's not in his nature to let "you" allow him to let him in. I'm sooooo glad I'm not a generation X because this by far was our worse generation.
ReplyDelete