Nearly 40 & Still Single? You're SCREWED!

Apparently, there’s something wrong with me. I don’t mean in the “you’ve-got-a-zit-so-big-it-looks-like-you’ve-got-a-horn-growing-out-of-your-forehead” kind of way. I mean, there’s something wrong with me on the inside. You can’t see it, but clearly, society is constantly telling me something is going on with me…and it’s all wrong, wrong, wrong.

The problem is…I don’t know what it is. Here’s what I do know:

1.  I’m 40 years old
2. I have no children
3. I have a career
4. I am not divorced
5. I have never been married
6. I’ve never smoked a joint, popped a pill or shot anything into my veins
7. I’ve never been to jail for slashing tires or tossing bricks through windshields
8. I don’t sleep with men for money nor do I ask them for money
9. I sometimes pay for the meal or movie ticket on a date
10. I attend church

Well, you get the point. So, why does society ask “what’s wrong with you?” once they find out all of this about me? Seriously, I have to ask them what’s wrong with this list?

I’ll tell you what’s wrong. Society has a 1960’s expectation of today’s modern woman. There is an expectation that she will graduate high school, squeeze some college in, find the love of her life on the college campus, have children, get a job (not have a career) and hold down the household. Oddly, this expectation exists while parents raise us modern girls by reminding us we can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and do it all WITHOUT a man!

Really? And something is wrong with ME? Seriously, something is wrong with the members of our society who fall into this way of thinking.

I’ll never forget an office Christmas party a few years back. It was hosted at the boss’ home in a very exclusive neighborhood. At the time, I wasn’t seeing anyone exclusively so I asked a friend and fraternity brother to come with me. At least he could get a nice meal and then we could go out afterward.

Then the unthinkable happened. There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just rip off the bandage: He stood me up.

My so-called friend and fraternity brother had told me up until 4:30 p.m. that afternoon that he’d be at my place to pick me up at 6:30 p.m. But as late as 7 p.m. he never called me nor did he answer my calls. He never texted. He never e-mailed. Nothing. I got bupkiss. So, I sucked it up and went to the Christmas office party by my damned self with some quickie excuse for my date’s last-minute absence. I was all set to hang out with my co-workers. No problem. I’d handle my friend’s ass later for pulling a Houdini on me!

So, the circular driveway is full of cars and that means all the gang’s inside. I liked my co-workers so I was pretty happy to be there. And when I get to the front door, the boss’ wife swings open the huge front door and says, “Hi, Michica! Oh, don’t you look beautiful!” she said as loud as you please. Then glancing into the quiet darkened driveway behind me, she says even louder: “You’re alone? You’re too pretty not to have a date! You’re SUCH a pretty girl; I can’t imagine why you don’t have someone with you.”

I’ve always heard the phrase: “I had the wind knocked out of me.” But until that very moment, I had no idea what it meant. Upon hearing the boss’ wife repeat this exact diatribe rather loudly in her echo-producing home, I wanted to hurl some choice insults back at her, quit my job and get the hell out of there. I mean, what the hell happened to, “Welcome to my home! It’s so nice to have you hear.” (Bitch.) I couldn’t believe that she took one glance at me and reduced my situation to being “too pretty” to be alone. She never asked if my date was okay or if he was coming later. She just took one look at my “pretty” self and the empty driveway behind me and declared I was too cute to be rolling solo.

For those of you wondering, my fraternity brother and I did work the situation out…several months later and remain friends to this day.

Back to my point. If you’re nearing 40 years old or have already passed it, people look at you as if something is wrong with YOU for being single. Never mind that on your journey to the big 4-0, everyone from your dad to your auntie to your best friend cheered you on when you chose your education over early motherhood or that you chose your career over an early marriage. Never mind that you have enough patience and life experience to actually do a great job parenting someone at this age. And never mind that your career is advanced far enough that you can actually contribute financially to a household with children. Never mind that you wanted to have the marriage FIRST and THEN have the children. Oh, and heaven forbid that your goal was to have all of your children by ONE man or woman.

If you’re anywhere near 40 years old or older, honey, you’re screwed. This is mostly about the ladies, but applies to men, too. Society says you’re single, care-free and have no “real” responsibility in life. Society says you can’t possibly be tired after a long day at work because you don’t have the second job of caring for kids, a husband and a household. Society says YOU can shorten your lunch break or stay at work late because the mothers and fathers in the workplace need to leave early for everything from parent-teacher night to a fever in 3^rd period to getting immunizations before school starts.

Now, before every single mom and single father or married couple jumps my ass for the paragraph above, hear me when I say, I don’t negate any of the above things. They’re all legitimate. After all, I once was the kid who needed her mommy in the middle of the work day. So, it’s important that parents be able to “parent” even during work hours.

The problem is thinking that us single folks don’t deserve similar consideration. And oftentimes, we don't get that consideration.

The problem is your own parents looking at you as if you’re suddenly less accomplished because you got the degree but not the family.

The problem is people assuming you’ve got all the free time in the world because you’re single and childless.

The problem is people reducing singles to being too handsome or too pretty to be…single. So, if I wasn’t pretty it would be okay? I’m not going there…that’s a whole ‘nother issue!

Since when did being single make a person a pariah? And for those of you who need some spiritual guidance on this matter, take some time to read 1 Corinthians 7:8, 25-40. I’m not going to tell you what it says. Go find it yourself if this topic is important enough to you.

So, I said all that to say…ease up on the single person who has no kids. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with us. We simply made choices that put us in society’s minority. It doesn’t mean anything is weird, off-base, outta whack, off-kilter, unbalanced or in need of a diagnosis and psychotropic prescription medication. At this age, we’ve had enough of the instant judgements and under-handed insults.

Just be happy that we’re working, contributing to society and not sitting up on “Maury” trying to figure who’s the father!!!

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